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Poetry

When Did You Know

By Mariana Spada
Translated from Spanish by Robin Myers
Mariana Spada’s poetry collection The Law of Conservation is out this month from Deep Vellum in Robin Myers’s translation. In this poem, Spada echoes the questions and comments she receives about her trans identity from the people around her.

When did you know
what you
            were?
What
            did
you
            feel
                        the first
                                    time
            you glanced at yourself
            in the mirror
and
            knew?
Have you always
known?

The ones who really love you
                                    girl, you’re so
                        brave!
I mean it
                        I mean
you’re not
                        missing
                                    anything
will always love you

I admire you
you almost
can’t even
                                    a-ny-thing at all
tell!
seriously
                        I admire you
so is it ju-
                  st
                          like
                                    mine?
no:
you’re not alone.

everyone’s
alone.
                        how much does it cost?
that’s it?
do
you like
            yourself
                        better
                                    this way?
do you like yourself
now?
oh wow it’s
                        EXACTLY THE SAME!
you should
be
            proud
grateful
for what you’ve achieved
you should fight
hard, much
                        so are you going to get big ones or
harder            
                                    small?             
for yourself

thank god you
never ever had
to go through
                                    get big ones!
that
                                    since you can choose
don’t
you miss
                                    anything?
                                    don’t get
                                    much
really?
we always
knew               
                                    nothing
                                                at all?
                                                ENJOY IT!
we could
al-
ways tell.

From The Law of Conservation. Published 2023 by Phoneme, an imprint of Deep Vellum Books. © 2019 by Mariana Spada. Translation copyright © 2023 by Robin Myers. By arrangement with the publisher. Originally published as Ley de conservación by Ediciones Gog y Magog in Buenos Aires, Argentina, in 2019. All rights reserved.

English Spanish (Original)

When did you know
what you
            were?
What
            did
you
            feel
                        the first
                                    time
            you glanced at yourself
            in the mirror
and
            knew?
Have you always
known?

The ones who really love you
                                    girl, you’re so
                        brave!
I mean it
                        I mean
you’re not
                        missing
                                    anything
will always love you

I admire you
you almost
can’t even
                                    a-ny-thing at all
tell!
seriously
                        I admire you
so is it ju-
                  st
                          like
                                    mine?
no:
you’re not alone.

everyone’s
alone.
                        how much does it cost?
that’s it?
do
you like
            yourself
                        better
                                    this way?
do you like yourself
now?
oh wow it’s
                        EXACTLY THE SAME!
you should
be
            proud
grateful
for what you’ve achieved
you should fight
hard, much
                        so are you going to get big ones or
harder            
                                    small?             
for yourself

thank god you
never ever had
to go through
                                    get big ones!
that
                                    since you can choose
don’t
you miss
                                    anything?
                                    don’t get
                                    much
really?
we always
knew               
                                    nothing
                                                at all?
                                                ENJOY IT!
we could
al-
ways tell.

¿Cuándo lo supiste?

¿Cuándo fue que supiste
lo que
                                    eras?
¿cómo qué
                                    fue

                                    sentiste
                                                  la primera
                                                                               vez
y lo                              que te viste de reojo
                                    en el espejo
 
                                                  supiste?
 
¿siempre lo
supiste?
 
Los que te quieran de verdad
                                                                               ¡qué valor
                                    nena! digo de
en serio
 
no te perdés
 
                                                                               nada
 
siempre van a quererte
 
te admiro
¡no se te
nota
 
 
 
                                                                                          na-da-de-na-da
casi!
en serio
                                                                               te admiro
¿y es i
                                    gual
                                                                               a la
                                                                                         mía?
no:
 
no estás sola.
 
todo el mundo está
solo.
                                                                        ¿cuánto sale?
¿eso solamente?
¿te gustás
 
                          más
                                    ahora
                                                                               así
 
¿te gustás ahora?
ah pero es
 
                          ¡IGUAL!
deberías
estar
                  orgullosa
agradecida
de lo que lograste
deberías pelear-
te más, mucho
                          ¿y te vas a poner mucho o
 
 
 
más
                                                                        poco?
por vos misma
 
qué bueno que no tuviste que
pasar nunca por
 
                                                          eso       ¡ponete mucho!
 
¿no extrañás                                                vos que podés elegir
 
 
                                                                        nada?
segura? siempre lo                                      no te pongas
supimos                                                         ¿mucho
 
 
 
 
                                                                        ¿nada
                                                                               de nada?
                                                                               ¡APROVECHÁ!
siempre se te no-
tó.

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