FOR TWO YEARS NOW . I'VE BEEN GOING TO THE PARK AND THE RAMPARTS . I WAS STILL IN ART SCHOOL WHEN THEY WARNED ME " THINGS WENT ON UP THERE . It'S AMAZING HOW PEOPLE JUDGE WHAT THEY DON'T KNOW . STILL . I WAS SUSPICIOUS TILL DECIDED TO TAKE A LOOK .
[Frame]
OF COURSE . THERE WAS NO ONE THE FIRST NIGHT .
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I SORT OF EXPECTED THAT . BUT A FEW LECHERS WOULD'VE SATISFIED MY CURIOSITY .
THEN I LEARNED TO LOOK . TO SPOT THE SIGNS .
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I LEARNED . HE NEVER SEES WHO KNOWS NOT WHERE TO LOOK .
I FINALLY GOT INTO THE HABIT OF COMING ALMOST EVERY NIGHT .
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ONLY TO SEE , FOUR TIMES OUT OF FIVE . NOTHING BUT CARS GOING ROUND IN ENDLESS CIRCLES .
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AND THE REST OF THE TIME . FLAUNTING THEMSELVES . AN INSUFFERABLE CROWD . TOTALLY CARICATURED AT BEST HAIRSTYLISTS .
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HARMLESS OLD PEEPING PERVS .
HUSBANDS BORED WITH MARRIED ROUTINE . COME FOR WHAT THEY THOUGHT OF AS A MUST - SEE OF PERVERSION .
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THEY WERE THE MOST VULGAR OF ALL
Guy in car: Hey . over here !
FOR THEY DEBASED WHAT THEY DID HERE . HOPING TO SANCTIFY THER COUPLEHOOD .
[Frame]
Guy in car: You're asking for it ! Or you wouldn't be here . C'mon ......
Guy in car: Come suck my dick
WATCHING THEM . I REMEMBERED THEM FROM WHEN I WAS A BOY ...
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THEY WERE THE SAME ONES WHO'D CALL ME A FAG WITHOUT EVEN KNOWING WHAT IT MEANT .
JUST BECAUSE I DIDN'T LIKE THER GAMES .
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THE SAME ONES WHO MADE ME DOUBT MYSELF SO MUCH WHEN I BECAME A FAG . AND THOUGHT THEY CALLED ME THAT
BECAUSE IT WAS WRITTEN ALL OVER MY FACE .
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THE SAME ONE-HERE TODAY- STILL PLAYING TOUGH.
BUT IM THE ONE IN CHARGE NOW .
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HERE . I KNOW ALL THE RULES .
IM AT HOME . ON MY TURF
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WHERE I BELONG
THEY'RE NOT .
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THEY'LL FINALLY PAY FOR ALL THER KIND .
WHAT , YOU THINK YOU'RE HOT ? LOSER ! GO BACK TO WHACKING OFF WITH LATE NIGHT !
Man in car: LOSER YOURSELF ! HOMO !
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AND SO THE CARS KEEP GOING ROUND IN CIRCLES . MY HEAD . TOO . ALMOST TWO YEARS . AND STILL NO ONE.
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I'M PROBABLY NO BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE WHO COMES HERE . IT ALL WENT DOWNHILL SO FAST .
IT TAKES THE FACE OF FEAR FEAR OF BEING RECOGNIZED .
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OF BEING ATTACKED . FEAR THAT CHOOSES FLIGHT . TOWARD DARKNESS .
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TOWARD WORDLESS FUCKS .
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TOWARD THE WOULD BE SALVATION OF HAND JOBS WITH NO STRINGS . NO TOMORROWS . NO RISKS
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AND IN THE END . NO LOVE .
OR JUST SOMETHING DRESSED UP TO LOOK LIKE IT
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I SAY NO .
I SAY NO TO THE ANONYMITY AT OF FACES .
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I SAY NO TO THE DARK AT
I WANT TO KNOW WHO IM DEALING WITH
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I SAY NO TO THE FEAR AND FLIGHT THAT TURN US ALL
INTO MITATIVE(?) INSECTS .
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I DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE THAT . I DON'T WANT TO LOSE MYSELF . OR GIVE UP ON MYSELF .
I'LL INSIST ON MYSELF TO THE END . WALK AROUND WITH MY FACE UNHIDDEN . REFUSING TO BOW TO THE CLICHÉS THAT MOST WHO COME HERE IMPOSE ON THEMSELVES .
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DON'T THEY UNDERSTAND
THAT PRECISELY BECAUSE WE HAVE EVERY FREEDOM HERE
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WE CAN FINALLY CONSIDER GIVING THE BEST OF OURSELVES ?
TRY TO HOLD OUT . THAT WAY . I KNOW WHOEVER COMES MY WAY
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WON'T BE PART OF THE FAGGOT MATING DISPLAY .
[Frame]
MEANWHILE ... NIGHT AFTER NIGHT OF MISJUDGMENTS
AND TEMPORARY MEASURES .
FEBRUARY 24 , 1992 . THE RAMPARTS .
Man off frame: Hey !
Man: Hey ...
Man off frame: Hey ! You cruising ?
Man: Yeah ....
Man off frame: Come here often ?
Man: Every now and then ...
Man off frame: What are you looking for
Man: Depends . You know a place to go ?
Man off frame: Yeah . But I'd love to chat a bit first . Does that bother you?
Man: No ....
Man: But I have to meet my parents at 9. It's my birthday
Man off frame: Oh .
Man off frame: Happy birthday then .
Man: Thanks
Man off frame: So ... does right here after 9 work for you
Man: OK . Where to then ?
Man off frame: Oh my place. Least I can do for your birthday .
I'm Fabrice. And you are- ?
Man: Me?
" I'm Stéphane "
(collage section)
WE FIND TIME TO TALK A BIT DURING THE NIGHT . I ASK:(annotation: I insist on this clarification . Usually , you don't talk to a guy you met in the park .)
-HAVE YOU BEEN THIS WAY FOR LONG ?
-FOREVER I THINK .
-AND HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN DOING THIS ?
-DOING WHAT ?
-CRUISING ON THE RAMPARTS .
-SINCE I WAS THIRTEEN .
STEPHANE (annotation: He's a cook at the officer's mess) IS A YOUNG DRAFTEE . HE'S GOT A CREW CUT . RUN MY FINGERS THROUGH IT OFTEN . HE'S GOT A BEARD . HE'S ALMOST AS TALL (annotation: I'm six even)AS I AM . BUT EVEN THOUGH HE'S THIN TOO . HE'S A LOT STRONGER (annotation: Stéphane's legs are very well - built . his thighs especially) . IS THIS THE FIRST TIME YOU'VE USED A CONDOM ? -DON'T LIKE THEM MUCH -YOU KNOW WHAT THE RISKS ARE STÉPHANE TURNS AWAY . HE DOESN'T ANSWER . HE DOESN'T CARE HE'S GOT A LITTLE LUC BESSON ABOUT HIM . THOUGH MUCH NICER . OF COURSE , AND ALSO A BIT OF STEPHEN CAFFREY . WHEN HE HAD A BEARD IN LONGTIME COMPANION
KUNDERA MAKES A DISTINCTION BETWEEN THE WOMEN YOU BED AND THE ONES YOU SLEEP WITH THE SAME GOES FOR MEN . I THINK . STÉPHANE IS THE FIRST MAN I'VE EVER WANTED TO SLEEP WITH SEVERAL TIMES . I ASK HIM TO LAY THE ENTRE WEIGHT OF HIS BODY AGAINST ME . HE ASKS -YOU LIKE IT WHEN IM ON TOP . IM NOT CRUSHING YOU ? -No . -IT MUST HURT EVENTUALLY . -WHEN I CANT BREATHE ANYMORE . I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING GOING ON IN YOUR BO DY YOUR BLOOD . YOUR HEART , EVERYTHING . -YOU LIKE IT WHEN IM CRUSHING YOU . WHY ? -DON'T KNOW . TO FEEL SOMETHING . I GUESS .
(annotation by image of Stephane: Stephen Caffrey . in Longtime Companion . The photo doesn't do him justice . Photos never do)
Annotation next to listing name and phone number and "Happy Birthday!"
AT SEVEN AM . WE EXCHANGE NUMBERS (I HATE THIS MOMENT)
I CALLED STÉPHANE A MONTH LATER . HE SEEMED REALLY EMBARRASSED .
HE WANTED TO SEE ME AGAIN . BUT JUST AS A FRIEND .
IT UPSET ME .
I DON'T SEE HIM AGAN FOR FIVE MONTHS .
I FORGOT HIM . BUT I DIDN'T MAKE LOVE UNTIL I SAW HIM AGAIN LESS THAN THREE MONTHS AGO . LAST JULY .
WE TALK IN HIS CAR . IT'S NOT AN AX ANYMORE . BUT A 205 .
Fabrice: You changed rides ?
Stéphane: Yeah . The other one's in pieces . All smashed up
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AFTER HALF AN HOUR TELL HIM I LIKE HIM THAT I'D LIKE TO TRY SEEING HIM .
Fabrice: Oh ! What happened ?
Stéphane: I got distracted for a second . ran into a tree .
[Frame]
I DON'T TELL HMI LOVE HIM . NOT AFTER ONE NIGHT TOGETHER . AND FIVE MONTHS APART . No.
Fabrice: You really like living dangerously . don't good
Stéphane: Not really
[Frame]
DON'T TELL HIM I LOVE HIM . No. THAT WOULD BE COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS .
I LIKE STÉPHANE . THAT'S ALL
MEANWHILE , ALAN HAS JUST FINISHED HIS MILITARY SERVICE AND WE'VE BEGUN WORK ON THE STATIONS OF THE CROSS
Stéphane: Na I don't think it'd work out . But we can be friends .
[Frame]
WE NOTICED A WHOLE BUNCH OF NUMEROLOGICAL CONNECTIONS BETWEEN ONE STATION AND THE NEXT . WE DEVISED AN ENTIRE SYSTEM OF SYMBOLIC REMINDERS AND CROSS - REFERENCES TO HIGHLIGHT THEM A REAL EXEGESIS !
OF COURSE . WITH THE FIRST BRUSHSTROKE .
WE REALIZED THAT OUR PRETTY THEORY DOESN'T HOLD WATER .
THE REAL PROBLEM REMAINS HOW DO YOU PAINT THE STATIONS OF THE CROSS TODAY ?
How Do YOU PANT CHRIST'S BODY ?
sketch from 1791 at the cathedral
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GIVING CHRIST A FACE SOON CONFRONTED US WITH THE PROBLEM OF HIS REPRESENTATION .
guy 1: Shit ! That's awful!
guy 2: St - Sulpice to the bone! If do that . we're losers !
IT PLUNGED US BACK INTO ISSUES TIED TO ALL REPRESENTATIONS THE IMAGE AND ITS STATUS . ETC.
[Frame]
IN FACT . IT LET US GET BACK TO OUR MAIN INTERESTS . THE ONES THE ARMY AND UNEMPLOYMENT , RESPECTIVELY . HAD MADE US FORGET .
[Frame]
BIT BY BIT . IT ALL FELL INTO PLACE . WE EVEN GOT TO USE OUR EARLY DISCOVERIES .
STAGE 2:
Jesus takes up his cross > 1st contact with the cross !
Establish similarities in composition , even colors . between 2 and II
STAGE 11 > 1 + 1 = 2
Jesus is nailed to the cross > 2nd contact with the cross !
WE STILL CANT QUITE TELL WHERE THIS IS ALL GOING .
[Frame]
BUT IT'S GOING . AND IT'S NOT ALL JUST TALK .
Stéphane: I think doing a diary in comic form is a very good idea .
[Frame]
Stéphane: It'd be a break from all those crappy fantasy comics . But it'd be good if ....
Stéphane: If you went even further than everything that's been tried in the genre
Stéphane: No disguises . no holding back , talked about everything ...
Fabrice: Well . I'll try .
[Frame]
Stéphane: Don't try .
Stéphane: DO IT ! Everything I've seen before has seemed timid. Things get dressed up or left out or barely shown ...
Stéphane: We're afraid of revealing too much about ourselves and our loved ones . We're afraid of embarrassment We're cautious . So we speak from a proud height in the past tense , as if the narrator were now a wise man on a mountain .
Stéphane: We look back on the past , feigning reserve , as if all that were of little importance in the end , as though our lives and everything that hurt us so much before
Stéphane: had only served a greater purpose . which we now speak from . And we forget the times we told ourselves
Stéphane: I've never had it this bad . I've never hurt so much . We forget We forget , because we're not there anymore . We forget . because instead of living life . we draw lessons from it
Stéphane: In all I've seen and read most have given me the impression of being described from on high after lessons were drawn .
Stéphane: Few have really plunged me into that icy terror the author must've felt ..... but maybe I haven't been reading the good ones .
Stéphane: I hope you'll be one of the good ones !
WELL .
IF EVERYONE KEEPS TELLING ME TO KEEP A DIARY . I MAY WIND UP STARTING ONE .
BUT IT SCARES ME . I DON'T THINK WE'VE COME UP WITH ANYTHING BETTER THAN A DIARY FOR DISCREDITING OURSELVES IN OTHER PEOPLE'S EYES .
