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Fiction

Moonlight Faces

By Kinga Tóth
Translated from Hungarian by Kinga Tóth & Owen Good
In these short texts, Hungarian writer and visual artist Kinga Tóth writes about the distress wrought by the effects of illness on the body and the uncertainty of a cure.
Listen to Kinga Tóth read "Moonlight Faces" in the original Hungarian
 
 
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An abstract line drawing

Now

it’s always now, sitting in that room with the window. we have two types, they know what one of them will be, but they won’t say, the other is a secret, we will find out. (my pulse is ticking, i’m here, we’re here. the moonlight doesn’t show on my face, but don’t come any closer.) there are different diagnoses, they can be ordered by mood, like places of residence, two or more registered addresses, residing either there (at home) or somewhere between (unknown to the authorities). we think we are in control of the situation. things only rarely slip from our grasp, we learn to examine and to assess. to pay attention to medication, there are papers, when we believe them, we are ill, we are tired and do not want to work, we are ill, when we are angry, we are ill.

Skirt

mariann has to, she’s told, she pulls it on over her pajamas, and asks in the snack bar if they’re showing, because then she’s not ladylike. wear it as long as possible, as long as your feet are all right, no stitches. i buy a velvet-buttoned miniskirt in the summer, when i’m fine, and some high-heeled sandals, i’m not even sick. but tights are a must, otherwise i catch a chill, wherever i sit, and that’s it. i buy paper toilet seats, there’s a ten-pack in my handbag, and hand sanitizer, paper tissues, so everything is safe, proper ladies are prepared, they hope for the best and are ready for the worst.

Icicles

icicles pierced my eyes, icicles, police come and take blood. they cut your hair, constantly checking everything for you, this one wasn’t noticed. we broke one from the windowsill, it’s like a vagina welder, cold, but it disappears.

An abstract line drawing

Lion

the children in the movie say be brave like a lion. be strong, in the drawing the lion is the biggest, it overcomes all obstacles, its hair is huge too, that’s its crown, my hair’s big too. there are a lot in africa, my name means brave. there’s a lion there too, a white one. but it’s called kimba. anyway, you’re brave too, you’re the white lion.

An abstract line drawing

To the End

it can end whenever, wherever. the course of the illness and the cure is unknown. there are various diagnoses, they can be ordered by mood. when feeling down, no improvement, healthy in the summer, warm and dry. after rain, the humidity, ill again. i am ill. the illness is me. the illness is writing this. i have a lot of time. i have little time. i am impatient. tricks, vitamins, tonics, products, cures, treatments, magicians.

Rule

writing reminders for myself, one on each tissue. drawing frowny faces above the messages, the rest of the paper i leave for beards. no gluten, no flour, no milk, a little cheese, bread none. no sugar, no cake, no pears and grapes, fruit juice only mornings. no preservatives, no conserves. no cans. no gas, no animal, no fat. so i’ll always see them and it’ll never cross my mind to break, because then there are consequences, then i have to face them again. for each rule a frowny face, the bathroom is full of nos, these are the new principles, this is the new life, where every rule is just a good intention.


© Kinga Tóth. By arrangement with the author. Translation © 2018 by Owen Good. All rights reserved.

English Hungarian (Original)

 

An abstract line drawing

Now

it’s always now, sitting in that room with the window. we have two types, they know what one of them will be, but they won’t say, the other is a secret, we will find out. (my pulse is ticking, i’m here, we’re here. the moonlight doesn’t show on my face, but don’t come any closer.) there are different diagnoses, they can be ordered by mood, like places of residence, two or more registered addresses, residing either there (at home) or somewhere between (unknown to the authorities). we think we are in control of the situation. things only rarely slip from our grasp, we learn to examine and to assess. to pay attention to medication, there are papers, when we believe them, we are ill, we are tired and do not want to work, we are ill, when we are angry, we are ill.

Skirt

mariann has to, she’s told, she pulls it on over her pajamas, and asks in the snack bar if they’re showing, because then she’s not ladylike. wear it as long as possible, as long as your feet are all right, no stitches. i buy a velvet-buttoned miniskirt in the summer, when i’m fine, and some high-heeled sandals, i’m not even sick. but tights are a must, otherwise i catch a chill, wherever i sit, and that’s it. i buy paper toilet seats, there’s a ten-pack in my handbag, and hand sanitizer, paper tissues, so everything is safe, proper ladies are prepared, they hope for the best and are ready for the worst.

Icicles

icicles pierced my eyes, icicles, police come and take blood. they cut your hair, constantly checking everything for you, this one wasn’t noticed. we broke one from the windowsill, it’s like a vagina welder, cold, but it disappears.

An abstract line drawing

Lion

the children in the movie say be brave like a lion. be strong, in the drawing the lion is the biggest, it overcomes all obstacles, its hair is huge too, that’s its crown, my hair’s big too. there are a lot in africa, my name means brave. there’s a lion there too, a white one. but it’s called kimba. anyway, you’re brave too, you’re the white lion.

An abstract line drawing

To the End

it can end whenever, wherever. the course of the illness and the cure is unknown. there are various diagnoses, they can be ordered by mood. when feeling down, no improvement, healthy in the summer, warm and dry. after rain, the humidity, ill again. i am ill. the illness is me. the illness is writing this. i have a lot of time. i have little time. i am impatient. tricks, vitamins, tonics, products, cures, treatments, magicians.

Rule

writing reminders for myself, one on each tissue. drawing frowny faces above the messages, the rest of the paper i leave for beards. no gluten, no flour, no milk, a little cheese, bread none. no sugar, no cake, no pears and grapes, fruit juice only mornings. no preservatives, no conserves. no cans. no gas, no animal, no fat. so i’ll always see them and it’ll never cross my mind to break, because then there are consequences, then i have to face them again. for each rule a frowny face, the bathroom is full of nos, these are the new principles, this is the new life, where every rule is just a good intention.


© Kinga Tóth. By arrangement with the author. Translation © 2018 by Owen Good. All rights reserved.

Moonlight Faces

An abstract line drawing
MOST

Mindig most van, ott ülök abban az ablakos szobában. Két fajtánk van, az egyikünknél tudják, hogyan lesz, de nem mondják meg, a másikunknál titkos, ott majd kiderül. (Ketyeg a pulzusom, itt vagyok, itt vagyunk. A holdvilág nem látszik már az arcomon, de ne közelebb.)

Számos diagnózis van, a hangulathoz lehet őket rendelni, olyanok, mint a lakhelyek, két- vagy többcímű kártyák, lehet ott is lenni (otthon), vagy közöttük (amit a hivatalok nem tudnak). Azt képzeljük, urai vagyunk a helyzetnek. Csak ritkán csúsznak ki a dolgok a kezünkből, megtanulunk ellenőrizni és felmérni. Figyelni a gyógyszerekre, vannak papírok, ha elhisszük őket, betegek vagyunk, ha fáradtak vagyunk és nincs kedvünk dolgozni, betegek vagyunk, ha haragszunk, betegek vagyunk.

SZOKNYA

Mariann-nak muszáj, megszólják, ráhúzza a pizsamára, megkérdi a büfében, kilóg-e, mert akkor nem jó asszony. Hordd, amíg tudod, amíg jó lábad van, oda még nem szúrnak semmit. Veszek egy bársony gombolós minit, az nyáron, amikor jól vagyok, meg magas sarkú szandált, nem is vagyok beteg. Harisnya viszont kell, ha nincs, rögtön felfázom, bármire ráülök, és akkor kész. Veszek papír vécéülőkét is, 10-es csomag van a retikülömben, és fertőtlenítő folyadék, papír zsebkendő, így már minden biztonságos, a jó asszonyok felkészülnek, eltervezik a jó részeket is, nehogy jöjjön a baj.

JÉGCSAPOK

Jégcsapok fúródtak a szemembe, jégcsapok, rendőrök lesznek, és leveszik a vért. A hajadat le kellene vágni, folyton néznek mindent neked, nem szúrták ki. Letörünk egyet az ablakpárkányról, olyan, mint a hüvelyhegesztő, hideg, de elmúlik.

An abstract line drawing

OROSZLÁN

Azt mondják a gyerekek a filmben, légy bátor, mint az oroszlán. Légy erős, a rajzon az oroszlán a legnagyobb, legyőz minden akadályt, hatalmas a szőre is, az a koronája, nekem is nagy a hajam. Sokan vannak Afrikában, a nevem azt jelenti, bátor. Van egy oroszlán is, fehér oroszlán. De az Kimba. Mindegy, te is bátor vagy, te vagy a fehér oroszlán.

An abstract line drawing

A VÉGÉRE

Akármikor akárhol be lehet fejezni. A betegség lefolyása, gyógymódja ismeretlen. Különböző diag- nózisok vannak, hangulatokhoz lehet rendelni őket. Ha rossz a kedv, sikertelenség ér, beteg vagyok, nyáron egészséges, ha száraz és meleg. Eső után, nyirkosságban megint beteg. Beteg vagyok. A betegség én vagyok. A betegség írja ezt. Sok időm van. Kevés idő van. Türelmetlen vagyok. Trükk, vitamin, erősítő, készítmény, kúra, kezelés, varázsló.

SZABÁLY

Figyelmeztetéseket írok magamnak, minden gurigára egyet. Mogorva fejeket rajzolok nekik az üzenetek fölé, a maradék papírt ott hagyom szakállnak. Nem gluténost, nem lisztest, nem tejest, sajtot csak keveset, semmi kenyér. Nem cukrot, nem torta, nem körte és szőlő, gyümölcslé reggel. Nem tartósítószer, nem konzerv. Nem dobozos. Nem szénsav, nem állati, nem zsír. Hogy mindig lássam, és eszembe se jusson megszegni, mert akkor megvan a következmény, akkor megint sokáig kell szembenéznem velük. Minden szabálynak egy mogorva fej, tele van nemmel a fürdőszoba, ezek az új elvek, ez az új élet, amiben minden szigorúság valójában csak egy jóakarat.

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