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Nonfiction

The Life You Save May Be Your Own

By François Caradec
Translated from French by Dara Keck
Oulipo member François Caradec plays with aphorisms in this experimental text.

Canada Dry Spoonerisms

1. A Sicilian caterwauls, except in Apulia.

2. The archaeologist’s wife does love a serious excavation.

3. How adroit you are with your crocuses!

4. The seafarer takes a pruning knife to caulk his dinghy.

5. Can someone repair my till? fretted the Druze bag boy.

6. The faithful communicant’s hand lingered on Saint Crispin’s alms-box.

7. Smirking, the abbess palpates the prelate’s brow.

8. The baroness’s ape dips his biscuit in the jenny’s milk.

9. Give my fatback a rub, said the pork butcher’s wife; it’s good and salty.

10. On Barbizon ridge the mare bolted, and the buggy careened down the slope.

11. Say what? Well, the postal worker knocks.

12. Sentries! Fork over the warrant for the trumpet sergeant major.

13. Let’s gaze closer at this tamer of fleas.

14. Downright lamentable weather!

15. The pope chuckled over little Gina’s vagaries.

16. In your absence, said the cashier, I’d have finer luck selling my pudding pies.

17. Here’s a fine tart for the duchess, said the baker to the Finnish seminarian.

18. The crevasse has spread nearly as far as the stud farm.

19. I love the fleet, yet I rarely go to the docks.

20. Present that salute again, my flaxen-haired Canuck.

21. It ain’t worth mounting a fuss over Nob Hill.

22. She uttered it a second time, textually.

23. Just a minor peck, Miss Josephine?

24. Be sure to clamp the door tight, you little scamp.

25. The furrier worried his ermine-lined muff.

26. The pilgrims are fomenting quite the ruckus.

27. The Rathskellers are teeming with boils.

28. Feel my digit, pretty shepherdess of Tarn.

29. Tiny counsel botches Mrs. Aline’s case.

30. Yippee, I’ve got a Swiss franc!

31. Show us your plumbing, Sir Rector.

32. Strewth! howled the king upon lifting Moby’s cone.

33. Brine this shrimp again! There’s a cold front coming in.

34. Chuck me my socks, he said to the lush from the boulevard.

35. The Mexican theologian sighed, peeling another dry plantain.

36. Too many Israelis exacerbate the crowding west of the Golan Heights.

37. I’m told the bok choy here is stunning.

38. Crossing by bus is sure to be poky and full of bumps.

39. Bangkok or Phuket—which land to gladden with your presence?

40. Duty calls before pleasure.

 

“Un coup de fil peur sauver une vie” first published in Veuillez trouver ci-inclus (Bibliothèque Oulipienne, 1990). By arrangement with the publisher. Translation © 2013 by Dara Keck. All rights reserved.

English French (Original)

Canada Dry Spoonerisms

1. A Sicilian caterwauls, except in Apulia.

2. The archaeologist’s wife does love a serious excavation.

3. How adroit you are with your crocuses!

4. The seafarer takes a pruning knife to caulk his dinghy.

5. Can someone repair my till? fretted the Druze bag boy.

6. The faithful communicant’s hand lingered on Saint Crispin’s alms-box.

7. Smirking, the abbess palpates the prelate’s brow.

8. The baroness’s ape dips his biscuit in the jenny’s milk.

9. Give my fatback a rub, said the pork butcher’s wife; it’s good and salty.

10. On Barbizon ridge the mare bolted, and the buggy careened down the slope.

11. Say what? Well, the postal worker knocks.

12. Sentries! Fork over the warrant for the trumpet sergeant major.

13. Let’s gaze closer at this tamer of fleas.

14. Downright lamentable weather!

15. The pope chuckled over little Gina’s vagaries.

16. In your absence, said the cashier, I’d have finer luck selling my pudding pies.

17. Here’s a fine tart for the duchess, said the baker to the Finnish seminarian.

18. The crevasse has spread nearly as far as the stud farm.

19. I love the fleet, yet I rarely go to the docks.

20. Present that salute again, my flaxen-haired Canuck.

21. It ain’t worth mounting a fuss over Nob Hill.

22. She uttered it a second time, textually.

23. Just a minor peck, Miss Josephine?

24. Be sure to clamp the door tight, you little scamp.

25. The furrier worried his ermine-lined muff.

26. The pilgrims are fomenting quite the ruckus.

27. The Rathskellers are teeming with boils.

28. Feel my digit, pretty shepherdess of Tarn.

29. Tiny counsel botches Mrs. Aline’s case.

30. Yippee, I’ve got a Swiss franc!

31. Show us your plumbing, Sir Rector.

32. Strewth! howled the king upon lifting Moby’s cone.

33. Brine this shrimp again! There’s a cold front coming in.

34. Chuck me my socks, he said to the lush from the boulevard.

35. The Mexican theologian sighed, peeling another dry plantain.

36. Too many Israelis exacerbate the crowding west of the Golan Heights.

37. I’m told the bok choy here is stunning.

38. Crossing by bus is sure to be poky and full of bumps.

39. Bangkok or Phuket—which land to gladden with your presence?

40. Duty calls before pleasure.

 

Un coup de fil peut sauver une vie

Contrepèteries Canada Dry

1. Les Italiens ne chantent pas dans les Pouilles.

2. La femme de l’archéologue aime les fouilles sérieuses.

3. Vous êtes bien bon avec votre marotte !

4. Le vieux marin calfate son trimaran avec une serpette.

5. J’ai la caisse défoncée ! s’écrie l’emballeur anglais.

6. La communiante a mis la main sur le tronc de saint Crépin.

7. L’abbesse en ricanant touche le front de l’évêque.

8. Le singe de la baronne trempe son biscuit dans le lait d’ânesse.

9. Frottez-moi ce lard, dit la charcutière : il est bien salé.

10. La calèche s’emballe sur la pente de Barbizon.

11. Tiens ? voilà l’ facteur !

12. Gardes ! Saisissez-vous de l’ordonnance du maréchal des logis trompette.

13. Retournons voir de près ce dompteur de pouces.

14. Quel sale temps !

15. Le pape rit des frasques de la petite Ginette.

16. Sans vous, dit la caissière, je vendrais bien mes flans aux pommes.

17. J’ai une tarte fine pour la vicomtesse, dit la cuisinière au séminariste écossais.

18. La fissure gagne l’écurie des étalons.

19. J’aime la marine, sans pourtant aller au quai.

20. Refaites-moi donc ce salut militaire, beau blond.

21. Une partie fine ne vaut pas Cythère.

22. Elle me l’a redit, textuel.

23. Juste une petite frite, mademoiselle Joséphine ?

24. Fermez la porte sur le gond, petite friponne.

25. Le fourreur a décousu sa pelisse.

26. Les pèlerins de La Mecque ont du foin arabe.

27. Les estaminets sont pleins de bouillon.

28. Tripotez-moi les doigts, jolie bergère du Tarn.

29. Les petites avocates perdent le procès de Madame Aline.

30. Chouette, j’ai un franc suisse !

31. Montrez-nous votre plomb, monsieur le curé.

32. Sacrebleu, s’écria le roi en soulevant le cornet de Sabine.

33. Remettez cette crevette dans le saloir, j’ai la mine froide.

34. Soignez vite vos frissons avec ma grosse boîte, dit le potard de la rue de la Paix.

35. La planteuse de Cuba aime les bananes sèches.

36. Les polytechniciens calculent la longueur du rond.

37. Servez-moi vite un sorbet lisse et bien chaud !

38. Le chemin de fer frotte sur les rails du pont.

39. Où habites-tu, vieux cochon ? C’est à Penne ou à Laval ?

40. Soulevez ce véhicule à l’arrêt.

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