The first record of Orkish cornbread is found in the journals of the warlord Ur-Agarish. The original document is lost to time, but a saying remains: "He who dodges the cornbread and sours the kraut, then cream his neck!"

Obtaining the Ingredients: 

The basis of every good cornbread is corny flour. It is harvested by the Giants of the Corned Hills. You will need to give the giants plenty of firewater. When they are wasted, steal the corn. But remember, the cornstalks are so gigantic you'll need the help of seasoned Goblin lumberjacks. Also take care—don't raise your battle-ax on a corn-tree. Barghrhazd the Impatient did so and died in his next battle. No one is sure why, but cutting a corn-tree is bad luck.

A small forest of corn yields eighty-seven and three-quarter sacks.

Take these to the Goblin blacksmiths. Tell them to smash the kernels with their hammers for one year and one-and-a-half months. Next, ship the corn to the Gribby miller named Milo for fine grinding. His mills are legendary for having ground the diamonds for the anklet of Queen Bulboulina the First.

The best Orkish cornbread is made with the stale spiders’ oil you get from the cave Goblins' shamans. Do not pay the shamans. Take several barrels and swear on the mighty Waaagh that you owe them a favor. Don't fret, Goblin shamans eat crazy 'shrooms, so even if they manage to remember that you'll owe them, their requests are easy to fulfill as they always ask for more 'shroom-beer, 'shroom-whiskey, and such.

Salt is obtained from the Salticious Caves. Visit them even if you don't need the salt for the cornbread. Salt caves are very good for the sinuses and help with hangovers.

You will also need ten barrels of mineral water. You can mineralize ordinary well water with ground basilisk knuckles, but the best is spring water from volcanic mountains.

The last and most important ingredient is Dr. Orky's Muffinizer. This tasteless and odorless powder is made by wizards from the crystallized farts of forest nymphs. Alas, these little missies rarely fart in volume, and wizards rarely keep the powder stocked, so you'll need to devise a cunning plan to procure it. First get a sack of flatulent fungi from the forest Goblins, then dry them well and grind them. Next, pour the dried flatulated powder into the spring where the nymphs drink. When the nymphs fly in, wait for them to drink deeply, then catch them with the same type of net used for catching small dragons. Now rush to the nearest wizard's, while the tummies of the nymphs swell. Even the grumpiest of sorcerers will gladly make the baking powder for you when they see what you have got. These dirty old men can't wait to get their paws on a female, even if it’s a thumb-sized nymph. Once the wizard has squeezed the farts and crystallized a hand-and-a-half of powder, you are finally ready to make your Orkish cornbread.

The Recipe:

1. Put corny flour in a pool deep enough to fit a mountain troll, and long enough for a giant to take a nap. Pour in the spider oil and stir. Add the mineral water, then the rock salt.

Well, now! So far so good!

2. The ingredients need to be mixed well. Organize a regiment of lake Goblins to paddle with shovels along the edges of the pool. When the dough reaches the consistency of quicksand, sprinkle it with the Muffinizer.

3. Dig a dungeon beneath the pool. Stuff it with hay, wood, and other flammables, then set it on fire. Let it burn uninterrupted for two weeks and a few days more. Leave the cornbread to cool down so it can be cut and hoisted aboard a cart.

Serving Suggestion:

Cornbread is served with sauerkraut and cream, or any other specialty that demands bread. Many young cooks complain that this recipe is too dry and their bread lapidifies. If this occurs cut petrified cornbread into wedges and slice with saw to boulder size. Use it as ammo for the catapult—massive chunks use for raising temporary fortifications and redoubts. We fondly remember the famous siege of Karrack Barn when the southern wall of a dwarf fortress was brought down by a barrage of cornbread-cannonballs, or Butthorg's last stand when he died in glorious battle along with his companions defending his cornbread barricades.

If you expect distinguished guests like the king or other nobles, I suggest you add two hundred and fifty dodo's eggs and a barrel-and-a-half of donkey's yogurt and ten buckets of yak cheese to this recipe. Thusly improved cornbread is called pone.

“Ork-Proja” © Ranko Trifković. By arrangement with the author. Translation © 2011 by Ranko Trifković. All rights reserved. 

Prvo pominjanje proje nalazimo u naređenjima ratovođe Ur-Agariša. Izvorna uredba izgubljena je u vremenu, ali ostala je izreka: "Ko projuri proju i skiseli se na kupus, pavlaku mu za vrat!"

Osnova svake dobre proje jeste kokuruzno brašno. Gaje ga džinovi u Kokuznim brdima. Divove možete ponuditi brljom, a kad se zapiju maznuti im kokuruz. Sama stabla takođe su gorostasna, pa će vam biti neophodna pomoć iskusnih goblinskih drvoseča. Nemojte se glavom šaliti da bojnom sekirom krenete na kokuruz. Tako je Bargrazd Nestrpljivi udario na kokuruz i stigao ga peh jer je poginuo već u sledećoj bici. Od omanje šume dobija se osamdeset sedam džakova i tri četvrtine. Zrnevlje odnesite goblinskim kovačima, neka ga mrve čekićima godinu i mesec i po dana, pa potom na fino mlevenje kod Gribija Milera, zvanog Mile. Nadaleko je čuven po žrvnjima koji su sitnili dragulje za nanogvicu kraljice Bubuljagije Prve.

Prava ork-proja najbolja je sa uvrelim paukovim uljem koje nabavljate od pećinskih goblina. Šamanima nipošto nemojte plaćati, već se zakunite na Vaaaga da ćete im za dva-tri bureta ulja ostati dužni kakvu uslugu. Ne bojte se, šamani se prejedaju ludih gljiva, pa ako se ikad i opsete da ste im dužnik, njihove umolnice uglavnom se lako ispunjavaju.

So dobijate iz kamena, u slanim pećinama. Posetite ih čak i ako vam ne treba so za proju. Izuzetno su lekovite i dobre za sinuse, a pomažu i protiv mamurluka.

Neophodno vam je i desetak burića kisele vode. Možete je kiseliti ribanim goblinskim čukljevima, ali najbolja je izvorska voda iz vulkanskih planina.

Poslednji i najvažniji sastojak jeste prašak za pecivo. Ovaj prah bez ukusa i mirisa prave čarobnjaci od kristalizovanog prdeža šumskih nimfi. No, kako gospojice nimfe gotovo uopšte i ne prde, a čarobnjaci retko kad drže prašak na lageru, morate pribeći lukavstvu. Od goblina pribavite džak gljiva poprdara, te ih dobro osušite i sameljite. Mlevenu poprdaru sunite u izvorsku vodu. Kad nimfe dođu na pojilo, uhvatite ih mrežicom za zmajeve. Trk kod čarobnjaka dok se nimfama stomačići ne naduju. Čak će i najzlovoljniji volšebnik pristati da vam napravi prašak za pecivo. Matori perverznjaci jedva čekaju da spuste šape na nešto žensko, pa makar to bile i nimfe jedva veće od palca. Kad izmuzu prdeže i kristališu šaku i po praška za pecivo, spremni ste za pravljenje ork-proje.

U bazen dovoljno dubok da u njega stane planinski trol i dovoljno dugačak da se u njemu ispruži div, sunite kokuruzno brašno. Izlijte ulje i malo promešajte. Uspite vodu i posolite je.

E sad.

Uposlite četu goblina da vesla lopatama duž svih ivica bazena. Sastojke je neophodno dobro izmešati. Pošto masa postane žitka kao živo blato, pospite je praškom. Mešajte dok se prašak za pecivo potpuno ne upije. Ispod bazena iskopajte lagum i potpalite vatricu. Neka gori neprestano dve nedelje i još koji dan. Ostavite proju da se ohladi dovoljno da je možete seći na krupne komade i natovariti na zaprežna kola.

Proju služite uz kiseli kupus i pavlaku ili kakav drugi specijalitet koji ište 'leba. Mnogi mladi kuvari žale mi se da im je ovaj recept suv i da im se proja posle dvadesetak dana skameni. Okamenjenu proju rascepite klinovima i secite testerom na klocne koje možete iskoristiti kao municiju za katapult. Krupnije sečena proja odlična je građa za privremena utvrđenja i redute. Setićemo se slavne opsade Karak Varna kada je južni zid patuljačkog utvrđenja oboren baražom projine đuladi ili Guzgorovog poslednjeg uporišta kad je slavno izginuo sa pratiocima na barikadi od proje.

Ukoliko gostite kralja ili druge velmože, predlažem vam da u proju dodate dve stotine pedeset jaja raznih ptica, bure i po magarećeg jogurta i desetak kaca jakovog sira. Ovako obogaćena proja naziva se – projara.




Ranko TrifkovićRanko Trifković

Ranko Trifković was born in Belgrade, Serbia, in 1974. He has worked with many magazines, newspapers, and Web sites as a contributor, writer, PR manager, and editor. He is the author of a book of essays on the anthropology of computer technology, Net Bizzare, and a novel,  Ludače. His short stories have appeared in the magazines Sveske, Antidepresiv, Polja, and Književnost.

Translated from SerbianSerbian by Ranko TrifkovićRanko Trifković

Ranko Trifković was born in Belgrade, Serbia, in 1974. He has worked with many magazines, newspapers, and Web sites as a contributor, writer, PR manager, and editor. He is the author of a book of essays on the anthropology of computer technology, Net Bizzare, and a novel,  Ludače. His short stories have appeared in the magazines Sveske, Antidepresiv, Polja, and Književnost.